9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed!
MY FAVORITE THING!!
The CAT's Diary
KITKAT
My captors
continue to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while the other inmates
and I are fed hash or
some sort of dry nuggets. 
Although I make my contempt
for the rations perfectly clear,
I nevertheless must eat something
in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is
MY DREAM OF ESCAPE! 
In an attempt to disgust them,
I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse
and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities.
However,
they merely made condescending comments
about what a "good little hunter"
I am.
BASTARDS!
MY GANG
There was some sort of assembly
of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement
for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises
and smell the food.
Today I overheard
that my confinement was due
to the power of "allergies."
I must learn what this means,
and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful
in an attempt to
ASSASSINATE
one of my TORMENTORS
by weaving around his feet
as he was walking. 
I must try this again tomorrow,
but at the top of the stairs. 
I am convinced that the other prisoners here
are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released,
and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously RETARDED.
The bird must be an informant.
I observe him communicate with the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe
FOR NOW...
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW
on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The other dishes are mine
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate
and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming
your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed
by NASCAR
and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because 
I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than
a king sized bed. 
I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats
can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular
to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space
is nothing but 
SARCASM.
For the last time,
there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there,
and manage to get the door SHUT,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow,
try to turn the knob
or get your paw under the edge
and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --
canine or feline attendance is
not required.
The proper order is kiss me, 
then go smell the other dog or cat's
BUTT!!
I cannot stress this enough! 
To pacify you, my dear pets,
I have posted the following message on
our front door: 
To All Non-Pet Owners
Who Visit & Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal.
To me,
he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember:
Dogs and cats
11. If they get pregnant,
you can SELL their children!
